Many of us face the familiar situation where conflict arises in the workplace and we are called to resolve the situation. Although conflict is not generally regarded as a positive experience it actually can be a key opportunity to create change that will reduce friction in the workplace. We can begin to defuse conflict by understanding what it is and implementing some basic strategies to manage it.

Conflict is a natural part of the workplace experience; people do not see eye to eye on everything and often dig in and defend their positions. Conflict arises when individuals do not see the world in the same way. The trap we fall into is assuming that conflict is a battle that must be won at all costs rather than viewing the situation as an opportunity to move in a more effective direction. Managers can benefit greatly by understanding that conflict is something that does not go away unless it is resolved. Conflict signals an issue that needs to be addressed.

Once we understand that conflict is telling us that there is something that needs attention in our organization we can begin to implement a strategy to fix it. The four basic components of resolving a conflict are naming the issue, understanding each person’s point of view, brainstorming possible solutions together and selecting a solution that the parties agree on. These four steps allow us to figure out what is going on and work together to arrive at a mutually beneficial resolution. Notice that each step leads into the next with each piece increasing understanding between the parties in order to arrive at a win/win situation. Companies frequently find that it is the process of resolving the conflict that is most important for staff to learn and practice. Let us look at an example of how this process works in the real world. The names have been changed to protect anonymity.

Tom is a manager at a dynamic firm who is constantly clashing with one of his staff, Tina, a bright person who often has ideas that differ from Tom’s. Tom has tried everything he knows to smooth things out but the two still spar frequently. This chronic pattern has led to disciplinary action by Tom and complaints to human resources by Tina. Both parties are productive employees who love the company and their jobs but do not know how to move beyond all this conflict. Tom realizes that in order to build an effective team he has to have Tina on board but he doesn’t know how to do it. He knows that by using Tina’s skills and energy he will look better and the company will benefit. But how to do it?

Following our common-sense approach Tom asks Tina to sit down and talk. It’s important to mention first that managers benefit greatly by putting in place some key elements that lead to successful conversations such as meeting at a mutually convenient time, no distractions or interruptions allowed, no agendas, a calm environment and unrestricted time to talk. When we set up an environment conducive to relaxed conversation we create a greater likelihood of success. A small investment in time up front to talk in depth can more than make up for the countless lost hours and cost devoted to ongoing conflict.

They begin the conversation and together they discover that one issue at hand is that Tina prefers to work with less supervision. They agree that they will talk about that one issue and name it, “Tina working with less supervision.” The next thing they do is that each talks about what he or she thinks about Tina working with less supervision and, in the process, they begin to understand each other’s point of view. After talking a while, they brainstorm together on possible ways to accommodate the newly identified need and come up with several viable possibilities. Their final step is to agree on the possibility that makes the most sense to both of them. They carefully follow each step and do not proceed to the next unless they both agree it is completed. In this way, they develop a systematic process of communication that allows issues to come out in a respectful environment. Over time and through practice Tom and Tina learn how to bring up any issue that is unresolved and work together to find a mutually beneficial solution following the same basic four step process.

The benefit of learning how to resolve conflicts in a methodical and systematic way is that it takes the guesswork out of fixing situations. When we work on understanding other points of view and collaborating on solutions we move in the direction of finding solutions that work for everyone. Sure it takes some work up front but the payoff is dramatic in the long run. The business world presents us enough challenges without having to deal with chronic conflict. By understanding what conflict is and following some basic strategies we can build a workplace that thrives on collaboration and effective conflict resolution.

Have a conflict-free workplace day,

Guy

I help reduce workplace conflict.

People have told me over the years that they feel most inspired when they are doing the things that really move them in their hearts. Have you ever had the experience of doing something you really love and suddenly hours have passed and you didn’t even realize it? This is what being inspired is about.

Being inspired is living the life we are supposed to. If you love to dance, dance. If you love sports, play sports. If you love writing, write. It’s all about finding that thing that calls to you and incorporating it into your life. It doesn’t matter if you don’t become famous, it just matters that you are doing that which you love.

When you live a life that includes the things that really inspire you, you begin a fascinating process where your life moves in the direction of your inspiration. People start to recognize you for who you are and your gift touches them because they can tell it means something to you.

Try devoting some time in your life to your inspiration. You’ll feel more grounded and balanced when you pursue what you love.

Take care,

Guy
I help people get inspired.

Attracting the Right People People often ask me why they keep dating the wrong people. The answer that they most often come up with after some self-exploration is that they are looking for people based on mistaken assumptions.

Most of us look for people that create a spark, that excite us into wanting to get to know them better. This method creates an initial euphoria that blinds us to understanding clearly what we want from relationships. We become so intoxicated with romance that we are unable to make rational decisions.

What I try to help people with is building self-awareness. When we understand who we are and what we love and need we tend to make better choices regarding relationships. If we don’t know ourselves very well or don’t like ourselves we tend to attract people that reinforce that. When we understand ourselves better and are healthier we tend to attract more positive people.

There really is no magic to this process. What’s been shown to work time after time is that people who are healthy attract other healthy people. All it takes is some work first on getting ourselves as healthy mentally and physically as possible. Then we attract people who admire us for the wonderful, healthy people we are.

Take care,

Guy
Experienced Relationship Coaching

As you’ve probably guessed from experience, loving yourself is about doing things that lead to positive outcomes as well as learning how to improve yourself. An additional action you can take to learn how to love yourself is to find out who you are. Set aside some time, without interruptions, to find out who you are. Ask yourself some self-discovery questions. What is my passion in life? What are the things I do well? What are the areas I can improve? What is my part in creating great relationships?

The process of loving ourselves comes from understanding who we are and working through the things that block our ability to love ourselves. For example: If you have difficulty committing in a relationship it may stem from something inside you that blocks you from accepting or giving love. If you identify what is blocking you it suddenly gives you a lot of power to change what you are doing. Self-love is about practicing positive behaviors and experiencing the joy that comes from learning about yourself.

Have a great day,

Guy
I help people take action.

Many people go through life hanging on to trauma from the past.  It seems paradoxical but it is greatly beneficial to try to heal past challenges before moving forward in life.  When we heal the past we erase all the garbled stuff that clogs up our psyche.  It gives us a chance to hit the reset button and do whatever we want with the rest of your life.

I am not recommending that you wallow in self-pity or live a life of despair.  We benefit from acknowledging the past and then moving forward.  If you have some issue that affects your functioning today why not do something to move past it?  Once you get past it you will be ready to grow without having that issue holding you back in any way.  Here’s how you can get started working on putting the past behind you.

1.  Think of something that happened to you that still affects you today.
2.  Acknowledge that it exists.
3.  Write down how it affects you in your present life.
4.  How would your life be different if this issue were not in the picture?
5.  What are you willing to do to move beyond the issue?

Your answers to these ideas will help you create a starting point so that you can create success in your life without the the past weighing you down.  Plus, you’ll just be happier.

Take care,

Guy
Inspirational Life Coach

People in relationships often move in different directions without even knowing it. Even some of the best intentioned people who really care for each other experience conflict and challenges because they are not on the same page.

I’m a big supporter of clarity in relationships. Clarity is when everyone involved understands what’s going on in the relationship. It does away with assumptions, secrets, guesses, misunderstandings and frustration because we actually get to figure out what’s going on.

How to gain clarity? Next time you encounter conflict in any relationship do the following to really understand what’s going on:

1. Each person talks uninterrupted about how they see the situation?
2. Each person listens carefully without judging, rebutting or giving advice.
3. Each person asks open ended questions to clarify what is going on.
4. The people agree on a way to proceed.

Dialogue is very important to achieving clarity. Make sure to practice listening skills and asking questions. Open ended questions are questions that don’t lead to a yes or no answer and allow the other person to meaningfully explain where they are coming from.

This is a style of talking about relationship issues that doesn’t require confrontation; it’s just about people listening to each other and sharing their points of view. Try it sometime to gain clarity on what’s going on in your relationship.

Take care,

Guy
www.myrelationshipguy.com

I’ve noticed that when people ask me for relationship advice a recurring questions is, “Why can’t I find anyone.” There are many ways people arrive at this conclusion. I’ll list them and put a self-awareness twist on each. In this way you can move in a different direction and find out how much power you really have to affect your dating life.

1. I keep going out with bad boys/girls. Different direction: I get myself healthy enough to recognize that it’s OK to treat myself well and go out with positive people.

2. I feel lonely. Different direction: I actively work on things that resolve why I am lonely and emphasize learning about myself before dating.

3. Where can I meet people? Different direction: When you get yourself healthy and do the things you love you move in circles where you attract people who are like you.

4. All men/women are terrible. Different direction: There are a lot of great people out there we just need to learn to accept them into our lives and be healthy enough to encourage good people to go out with us.

Hope these ideas help navigate the dating waters. Dating is ultimately what you make it; you have a lot of control over where it goes.

Take care,

Guy
I help people date happily.

When I teach people conflict resolution the question often comes up, “So what am I supposed to do if someone is getting mad at me?” Though counterintuitive, the answer is that you don’t have to do much, just listen. The next time someone is getting upset while talking with you try these techniques:

1. Listen actively.
2. Nod and smile.
3. If you must talk do so only to say, “Tell me more.”

You will be absolutely amazed at the results you will get from simply listening to someone. The trap we fall in is that we think that, when other people are upset, it must be about us. When you give someone the space and opportunity to simply talk and be validated then they will give you much more information than if you engage them in a conflict.

So, give it a try. The next time you are about to get in an argument tell yourself that it is not about you and give the other person the chance to tell you about themselves. Once you master this skill, you will find that many of the conflicts you formerly had will disappear because you will no longer be part of the conflict.

Take care,

Guy
www.myrelationshipguy.com

It’s easy to focus exclusively on our own perspective in relationships. We tend to think of our relationship issues in terms we are familiar with and this often means we keep repeating the same patterns and acting the same way we always have. This works well if we get great results but what happens if our behaviors always lead to less than satisfactory relationships.

We all know people who can never quite resolve differences with someone else and we watch them repeat the same pattern over and over. I’ve noticed that it is helpful to let in some new information and get a fresh perspective. When we let new information in it’s like opening a window in a stuffy room, we can breathe better and think more clearly. Think about some of the following ideas next time you feel stuck in your relationship.

1. Who can I turn to that is not involved in my situation and can give me impartial advice?
2. Am I willing to let an outside person offer me advice?
3. How open am I to talking about personal issues with an outside person?
4. How open am I to doing the work necessary to move in a different direction?
5. What actions will I commit to doing?

Think about these questions and keep in mind that none of us has all the answers but we all have the ability to acquire new information if we are open enough. Let some air in, enjoy a fresh perspective and start moving in a new direction.

Take care,

Guy
I help you focus your perspective.

Our thought patterns can help us have a great day or something else. Here’s what some smart people have to say about it.

There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul. Ella Wheeler Wilcox.

Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking. Marcus Aurelius.

With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts. Eleanor Roosevelt.

Real generosity toward the future lies in giving all to the present. Albert Camus.

Take care,

Guy
I help people succeed.